Along for the Ride
July 20, 2023
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about parenting and I am sure it’s because it has been extra challenging. I’m in a weird season of life where my oldest is going into his second year of college and my youngest is smack dab in the middle of potty-training. People may hear that and think I am crazy and well, they may be on to something (wink).
Life has a way of unfolding and things don’t go according to how one originally hoped. But here we are…right? Life is happening in full force.
When my older two were younger (ages 4 and 2), I was going through a divorce. Sadly, divorce is not as uncommon nowadays, which breaks my heart. That season was ONE of the hardest things me and my family have gone through. I’m not sure we know to the full extent even now because the lessons and realizations continue to surface with every new season in life. As my children have gotten older, they are still trying to process things they have observed or felt over the years, watching behaviors or reactions of family members and feeling the unspoken tensions in conversations. Interpreting the these things can be difficult for adults, let alone kids.
If you could indulge me for a moment, imagine a time in your life where you felt terrified, skeptical, angry, sad, lonely, broken, worthless, tired, helpless, or stressed. Can you imagine experiencing all of those happening at the same time? Now, drag that feeling out over the course of a year or so. The timing really depends on how cooperative people are during the court process.
All your shortcomings are put on display and are being dissected by strangers for a handsome fee, with the hope that the life-changing decision they are about to make regarding how you and your kids are supposed to navigate everyday life until they are 18 years old turns out o.k. BUT! All too soon a situation arises and the court orders have been violated.
What do you do?
Is it worth going to court, again?!
You request enforcement of the court orders of course. When you’re standing in front of the judge, the violation explained, you get asked, “…what do you want me to do about it?” THAT is the moment you sadly realize there’s very little help from the system with enforcing the orders that you’re both instructed to abide by. What does this mean for rule followers? It means you roll your sleeves up and get ready to work. Every boundary is about to be tested.
Side note, I feel very strongly about how broken and overloaded the family court system is. I am not criticizing it; I am saddened by it.
It took me too long to realize my kids were along for the ride throughout the process. Here I was just trying to survive the next interaction, court date, or obligation while my kids were trying to figure out what was going on. They were my top priority, but it often felt like I was too busy trying to fight for them that I could not stop to be with them. Of course, there were moments “together”, but my mind was often distracted by life’s troubles to truly be in the moment with them. It really made me feel like an awful parent.
Now that my children are older, I see their wheels turning more and more; especially as they are stepping into their independence. Naturally, this may be the time when most kids question their parent’s methods and why they were raised in a certain way. Even when we do our best to navigate (or SURVIVE) amid our own chaos and hurt, we don’t do things perfectly. I think most parents are trying to do the best they can with what they know. Some are absolute rock stars while others are not. But if we could see, hear, and simply love our kids, that could make all the difference for them.
Just be present with them.
Too, I have learned that age-appropriate honesty is a great thing! Life is not easy, and that is ok to admit. I believe it’s a good thing for our kids to see how to process difficult things in a healthy way; to put some work in. However, I do not think it’s a good idea to dump your adult problems on your kids. They do not need to be jerked into your world of hurt and disappointment by you sharing all the details of what happened between you and another person they love as well. That only creates more division, conflict, and confusion.
What is currently weighing on you that has your mind distracted from being able to love well? What do you need to release in order to make that happen?
My encouragement to you if you are going through a difficult time in your marriage (or what’s left of it), remember your kids and show up for them. They can probably sense you’re going through something but may not be able to articulate it for one reason or another.
They love you.
They need you.
Sincerely,
Mea