You Have Permission to Rest
July 6, 2023
Have you ever been so tired you become restless? And then, when the moment to rest presents itself, your body, mind, or to-do-list won’t allow you to rest.
For me, that’s when I know I have reached the point of no return – no return to positive interactions with others that is. My thinking becomes unclear, my responses are more emotional, and I lose patience with myself and others. What do you do when you feel completely empty? What do you do when your output is greater than your intake? The answer seems logical – intake more…right? Well, for some reason it’s never been that simple for me and it has been an ongoing struggle over the years.
I’ve experienced too many times in my life when my output has grossly outweighed my intake. Unfortunately, by the time I realized it, I was already overreacting to little things and snapping back at people because of something that normally wouldn’t bother me because I was running on empty. Then to top it off are the times when my husband and I are empty at the same time. We both tend to assume things. For example, we would assume how the day would unfold before it would even start. In these cases, there was never a truer statement for him towards me than, “look who woke up of the wrong side of the bed.” Over the years, I’d say he has become leery of mornings with me because I AM NOT a morning person, and so he would not interact with me in the “normal” way I would expect; something like, “how did you sleep?” or “good morning!”. When that happened it seemed like he was upset about something, but I could not put my finger on what had changed within the last 6 or 7 hours while we were sleeping. In turn, he was thinking I was upset about something, so he withdrew. Now, we were both acting on our assumptions, tiptoeing around each other, and trying not to say the wrong thing until that wrong thing comes spilling out of my mouth. Wouldn’t you know it, the rest of the day would be wasted/spent in silence avoiding each other. This was not my hope for how the day would go.
Maybe I was overthinking (I have done this too many times), exhausting myself trying to assign a meaning or emotion to what our exchanges meant, but I was growing tired of going around and around with the same destructive cycle. My regular misinterpretations of my husband’s non-verbal cues were taking me down a frustrating and unproductive road … away from him. When you’ve gone around the same mountain so many times and there is no change in your situation, it gets discouraging. But I’m convinced, if one pays attention, one will begin to see familiar patterns and places, and the opportunity for change will appear. That’s when it’s time to decide - do you take the same way you always have (the path of least resistance) or try a different path (more work, but ultimately more gain). For me, that’s a no brainer; I want to learn the lesson that was in front of me so I can move on from it (years ago). Now, I am working on examining what my core issues are. Not assuming the worst about others but examining myself. Why am I responding the way I am responding? What am I afraid of? It’s challenging to summarize years of conversations and the lessons I’ve learned throughout in such a brief writing, but in this case I will try.
I discovered my self-worth was tied up in what I do for others or the number of tasks I could check off my never-ending to-do-list. If I didn’t get enough done, I didn’t earn the right to relax. So, what am I afraid of? To name a few, I have been afraid of not measuring up, not being enough, being rejected, others viewing me as broken or worthless. These fears have robbed me of rest and relationships. Looking back, I can pinpoint moments in my life that lead to those resolves in my mind; some of those will be shared another time. All the fears reinforced my inability to rest. And if I was thinking so harshly about myself, surely others would see me the same way. The funny (not funny) part is that I tend to be hard on myself when I’m in the mindset of “do, do, do!”. However, when I feel I have accomplished enough or more than the others around me have, I start to become annoyed with THEM for not considering how hard I’ve worked. If I am working tirelessly to prove myself worthy and accomplished, that becomes my expectation of others, too. If others are resting while I am working, resentment begins to creep in.
By no means have I mastered these situations, and yes, they still happen. But as they do, I am working towards improving my responses. First, I am trying to take better care of myself. If there is too much going on or if it has been a busy week, it’s important for me to take time to do something to fill myself back up like a fun/creative project, a trip to a thrift store, etc. Second, I’m working on my ability to rest. The house does NOT have to be in perfect order if I need to rest. That kind of work will always be there waiting (ugh – won’t it). Third, I am actively working at not allowing fear to control my thoughts and actions. I cannot think of one positive outcome from any conversation where fear was the driving factor. Finally, with the last point in mind, I’m working at pausing to think about what the impact of my response will be. Will it show those around me that I love them, or will it tear them down?
Life can just be hard. Can we give ourselves permission to be in the process of growth? Can we give ourselves permission to rest? Who knows, the world may look quite a bit different after a good nap.
Sincerely,
Mea